Things that I Know

Concerning: Feathers

2006-10-18T14:07:00.000-07:00

Feather: a man-made mechanical device characterized by a predominantly eggshaped chamber balanced on horizontal landing bars and lifted up into the sky by two sets of whirlling blades - one horizontal from the roof, the other vertical on the tail. Easy to spot because of their colorful exterior and unique features such as markings resembling the words "channel six," the common feather is an attractive addition to most skies. Mostly harmless in their natural state, an aroused common feather is however capable of causing considerable damage through a direct charge. It should be noted that some of the more aggressive breeds of feather bear high calliber machine guns under their noses and an array of various missiles. Do not attempt to parachute from a feather.

Concerning: Retirement age

2006-03-05T20:01:00.000-08:00

Retirement age = though the exact number of years for retirement age varies based on culture, financial security, vocation, and the number of frog eggs hatched in Old Maid's Pond in Nashua, New Hampshire, the primary linking factor among all retirement ages is that one must retire when one's bowels move less than once a week. It makes sense. The pooper gives up, therefore so must the mind and heart follow. No one who does not execrete solid waste matter can do good work. How many times have you emerged from a hot, pungent public restroom thinking you felt like a new man? Obviously, defecation and youth are one and the same. Young at hard, strong of stool, so the folks from Budapest like to say.

Concerning: Postwar Economics

2006-01-08T22:40:00.000-08:00

Postwar economics = what happens to an economy after a war. Some wars cause positive economic growth due to the available means of production facilities. Others might decline because of the swelling in the work force caused by returning soldiers or a massive decline in the work force caused by asses getting kicked. If I were postwar economics, I would tell the former enemy to go shove it. My gross national product would be better than theirs regardless of whether or not it was higher or lower.

Concerning: Albania

2006-01-08T22:34:00.000-08:00

Albania = A country somewhere in Europe. You can find it on many maps. People live in it. There are likely several cities, a system of government. There may be a national currency, but perhaps the Euro has replaced it. If I were to draw what I thought Albania looked like, I would likely draw something akin to an ameoba. This is not to slight Albania, Albanians, or what I am sure is a proud national history. I could be going out on a limb here, but I also suspect that some Albanians might ride on trains from time to time. You never know. I sure don't, but I know that I don't. Did you?

Concerning: Placebos

2006-01-08T22:30:00.000-08:00

Placebo = a thing which is not something but we think is that thing. Many people might think that a toupee is an example of a placebo, but in truth, only good toupees are placebo. Similarly, many people think that a chihuahua is a placebo for a dog. Unfortunately, do to it's genetic make-up a chihuahua is in fact a dog, and therefore it is not a placebo. A duck dressed like a dog would not be a placebo either, but that is for reasons that I cannot get into here. However, if people were to eat ping-pong balls, such meals would be much akin to a placebo for eggs, although pong is not a placebo for ping pong.

Concerning: Pandas

2005-12-21T23:33:00.000-08:00

Panda = the fuzzy, black and white mammal that doesn't spray noxious liquids from its posterior. The common North American Panda, whose natural habitat is most frequently characterized by metal bars, concrete paths, and trash cans stuffed full of empty peanut bags, can be found most frequently in American cities in the vicinity of wild tire swings and bamboo shoots. Also, due to the high traffic locations that the common North American Pandas tend to roost in, they tend to mate with significant infrequency, like, say, The Comic Book Guy on the Simpsons, or maybe some really ugly guy who goes to a lot of fancy bars. However, unlike ugly guys in fancy bars, pandas do not hit unsuccessfully on most females, instead slashing at them with their formidable claws or sinking their teeth into the soft and exposed areas of their defenses with a deftness that some might consider suprising. It should be noted that pandas are indeed black and white and that any addition of the color red in a panda's design indicates a fresh kill and a panda who is likely satiated and thus safe to approach.

Concerning: Octobers

2005-11-30T14:35:00.000-08:00

October = a month of the year in which I have noticed that posts do not occur on this blog. Though the specific reasons for the lack of further understanding of the world are unclear, they likely include changing weather, the widespread presence of pumpkins, and a dramatic increase in the usage of the color orange across the world. Though there is no direct cause and effect relationship between these factors and the postage of blogs, it can be argued that anybody who looks for correlations between the color orange, weather, and the presence of pumpkins and writing habits is a stupid fool whose physical being should be replaced in our universe with the innards scooped out to carve jack-o-lanterns. Lastly, October is also the only month of the year to contain 63 days, 9 day weeks, and an undocumented increase in the usage of the letters z, x, and q in every day speech.

Concerning: Telephones

2005-11-30T14:31:00.000-08:00

Telephone = a big wooden box with a thing that looks like a horn sticking from it's center. Not to be confused with the coffin of Louis Armstrong, the common household telephone, as unclearly depicted to the right, contains two bell-like eyes that survey the room with a cold and annoying musicality. Prone to ring at any moment, the mating call of the domesticated telephone is most likely to be heard during the two or three minutes that you decide it is necessary to answer the other call of the wild.

Concerning: Artichoke Hearts

2005-11-08T13:07:00.000-08:00

Artichoke Hearts = as depicted on the left, a disturbing layering of leaves that looks like a genetic crossbread between a jellyfish and a coral bed. From this perhaps we can speculate that sometime, millions of years ago, jellyfish and coral emerged from the say amid the frogs and lung fish, found a nice quiet spot in the shade, and made sweet love to the roars of the first, small dinosaurs. Out of their coupling sprang the artichoke. Within the artichoke is the fabled heart, that sweet beating vegetable meat that represents the unlikely love between a jellyfish and a coral pollyp. Such beautiful mysteries in nature - a shame that we are just now beginning to truly understand them.

Concerning: Egg Sacks

2005-11-07T13:36:00.000-08:00

egg sacks = things you carry around eggs in. The most reliable source for finding an egg sac is in Kroger or any other major grocery retailer. Usually, the sacks are kept somewhere near the front although alternate sacks are generally available in the produce section. Furthermore, you have the option of bringing in your own sack, though it is important to bear in mind that any sack is simply not an egg sack unless it is used exclusively for the transport of eggs. As a result, you may want to chose carefully when deciding which sack would be the best sack for you unless you have a sufficient supply of sacks available at home or on hand with which to indescriminately dedicate any number of sacks to the sole purpose of carrying eggs. For further information, see concerning = eggs.

Concerning: Culture

2005-09-22T14:15:00.000-07:00

Culture = that which leads to yogurt. A mixture of growth mediums intended for the cultivation of bacteria. Often associated with a funny smell and a greenish blue color. Might occasionally be observed to pulsate, swell, bulge, or throb. Outside of the dairy industry, most often used to develop exciting new ways to kill people and things and to find ways to prevent our people and things from being killed in similar ways. Also, the collective sum of the creative output of a given group of people.

Concerning: Weinerus mobilus*

2005-09-06T13:19:00.000-07:00

Weinerus Mobilus = On the right, as you can see is a rare sighting of the majestic Weinerus Mobilus in it's natural habitat. Notice the how the bright orange and red plummage leaps out against its gray urban habitat. Experts in the Oscar Meyer branch of zoology have speculated that the poor camoflage of weinerus mobilus is largely responsible for its rarity as a species, compounded by the rampant poaching of its offspring in grocery store meat aisles. The days might still return where one only need look out their window and spot the beauty and the symbolic symoblism or the weinerus mobilus in every street and driveway, were its pups are no longer boiled as hot dogs by the dozen at barbeques and picnics, and where once and for all it is determined from which species(es) of animal its lushious meat has evolved from.
* Reprinted from Fishheadalchemy.blogspot.com - this is one of the few instances where an entry simply belonged under both.

Concerning: Black Holes

2005-08-28T21:25:00.000-07:00

Black Hole = A hole in space-time caused by a collapsed star, visually characterized by a whirlpool of light and debris sucked toward the epicenter, otherwise known as the singularity, by the enormous gravitation pull of the exponential increases in mass. Although the effect is analogous in many ways to the black hole's earth-bound cousin the toilet, it is important to recognize that the manufacturing standard color of toilets is white and that catagorizing a black hole as the universe's waste disposal system is a risky proposition. However, it also must be noted that although materials such as toilet paper tubes, hairbrushes, and alligators would be equally prone to being sucked down both black holes and toilets, materials exiting a toilet simply depart from view while materials exiting through a black hole depart from reality as we know it. Furthermore, if one were to defecate into a black hole, it is in all likelyhood that the rectum would subsequently be sucked from the body followed by the large and small intestines, the stomach, throat, and tongue. No such effects occur when using a toilet though there are some toilets, particularly those in Europe, with a flush so powerful that some may fear that similar events might take place.

For further information regarding toilets and the forms toilets take, see Concerning: Confessional Booths.

Concerning: Body Builders

2005-08-21T21:23:00.000-07:00

Body Builder = A creature composed primarily of steroids and protein supplemants that cling to a humanoid skeletal structure by means of high energy drinks and smoothy residue. The Body Builder's natural habitat tends to be hot and humid, most markedly characterized by over-amplified bass drums, the intense smell of human sweat, and the rhythmic clanking of metal. Though most body builders spend much of the daylight hours within their lairs, also called 'gyms,' they are not typically active nocturnally, instead chosing to retreat into a dark sleeping lair sometimes called an 'apartment bedroom' or simply a 'bedroom.' The body builder is not to be confused with Dr. Frankenstein or any other mad scientist though Dr. Frankenstein and several of his colleagues have in fact built bodies. If you believe that you or someone you love might be a Body Builder, Dr. Frankenstein, or a mad scientist, please seek out the nearest torch carrying angry mob, fly into a blind rage, and attempt to scale the nearest sky scraper with a virginal sacrifice over your shoulder so that you will no longer be a body builder, Dr. Frankenstein, or a mad scientist. Instead, you will be King Kong, and you will be king of the apes until you get shot off the lightning rod by circling airplanes.

Concerning: Confessional Booths

2005-08-07T14:32:00.000-07:00

Confessional = a small booth, generally rectangular in shape wherein the occupant orally unloads a weight from their soul typically to a priest. This is not to be confused with either a porta-potty or a public toilet stall in which the occupant anally unloads a weight from their large intestine to a porcelain receptacle. Though there generally is no human receptacle in a toilet stall or portable bathroom, the human receptacles that do exist are generally termed "perverts" or "scatophiles." It should be noted that the occupant of both a confessional booth and a toilet stall exit feeling lighter and relieved, ready to face the day's unknown challenges but certain that the weight will return and that soon another release will be necessary. Please note that the confessional booth can also be confused with a phone both wherein the occupant orally unloads information to a receptive second party, but the nature of the information delivered through a phone booth phone is often either far cleaner or far dirtier than that delivered through a confessional.

Concerning: Yugos

2005-08-05T07:30:00.000-07:00

Yugo = The machine in the photo is a Yugo, the finest automobile export of the Former Yugoslavian Republic. Do not let its appearance fool you; it is not a toolbox on top of a red wheelbarrow. Underneath that hood lies an engine containing five to ten horsepower capable of achieving speeds as high as forty kilometers per hour. Human Sprinters might have achieved like velocities in their top performances, but the Yugo can maintain top speed for minutes at a stretch. And Think: with capacity like you see in the picturem you can load a full suitcase or even a passenger with only a minimal expense of acceleration, gas mileage, and top speed. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the future is now, and though many critics of the Yugo claim it is obsolete they overlook the fact that the very thing that makes the Yugo so special is that the Yugo always has been and always will be obsolete, even when it was brand new and first off the line.

Concerning: Chainsaws

2005-07-14T15:57:00.000-07:00

Chainsaw = A mechanical device that vibrates a lot, sprays oil in all directions, makes a sharp whirring sound, and cuts things with a rapidly spinning blade. Furthermore, if the rapidly spinning blade connects with either a tree limb or a human limb, saw dust or blood respectively will spray in all directions in conjunction with the oil. If both blood and sawdust sprays from the blade contact point than it is likely that you are cutting into the scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz. If you are indeed cutting into the Scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz cease all work and seek the yellow brick road immediately.

Concerning: Meteorites

2005-07-11T12:05:00.000-07:00

Meteorite = a piece of rock that plummeted to earth from space without burning up entirely upon entry in our atmosphere. Though most meteorites are often the approximate size of a ping pong ball or an egg, some meteorites can be greater than the size of a Mexican Chihuahua's head. Meteorites can descend from the sky pretty much anywhere on earth although it is unlikely that one will collide with a jalapeno plant in Chihuahua, Mexico or that one caused one of the explosions during the Battle of Cherbourg in World War II. As a child, Enrique Esteban Valendez saw a meteroite crash into a lake, resulting in a large splash. He made numerous attempts to retrieve the meteorite by diving into the lake, but even if it survived the impact, he was unable to identify any suspected meteorites among the stones at the bottom of the water. Successfully retrieved and collected meteorites can be stored and catalogued in file cabinets, but for purposes of scientific study a more controlled environment would be recommended.

Concerning: The Battle of Cherbourg

2005-07-11T09:01:00.000-07:00

The Battle of Cherbourg = One of the important battles during the Allied invasion of Europe and the first stage in a helicopter-focused computer game named Rescue Raiders for the apple IIe. It is important to note immediately that though Pong can indeed be claimed to quintessentially represent the game of ping pong by containing no elements outside the actual game, helicopters did not exist during World War II. Therefore the first stage of Rescue Raiders cannot be said to be a reproduction, representation, or simulation of said important Battle. Although ancestors of Lau in Siam fought for the Axis in World War II, they were in no way involved with the fighting of the Battle of Cherbourg although Lau himself said that the battle was a shame because of the destructive nature of war. Enrique Esteban Valendez claimed insufficient knowledge of World War II to be able to provide comment due to the limited participation of Chihuahua, Mexico in the fighting, but he did suggest that even if it was unlikely that Mexican Chuhuahuas were present at the battle, their participation would have been limited to yipping and nipping and soldiers' ankles. No eggs were used in the combat.

Concerning: File Cabinets

2005-07-10T23:33:00.000-07:00

File Cabinet = a piece of office furniture whose uses include but are not limited to the storage files, file folders. Sometimes used to store memorandum, though it is not recommended. Other uses include the storage and organization of dry goods, pet beds (particularly well suited to the beds of Mexican Chihuahuas due to the appropriateness of their size), and the housing of ping pong balls or video game systems that can compile and run electronic simulations of ping pong. Though infrequent, File cabinets are also occasionally used as tables, chairs, and plant racks when turned on their sides or used by exceptionally tall people. The typical file cabinet generally consists of a metal or wooden outer frame that houses one to four metal or wooden drawers that slide out of said frame in order for the files contained therein to be inserted, sorted, referenced, or removed. Much to his sadness, Enrique Esteban Valendez does not own a file cabinet despite the fact that he saw one on a trip through Chihuahua, Mexico and the use of file cabinets in hospitals to store the printed results and records of EEG's, EKG's, and CAT scans. A man name Lau in Siam once reported to have witnessed a file cabinet lay an egg in a nest made of shredded documents, but the report ultimately proved false.

Concerning: CAT Scans

2005-07-10T13:33:00.000-07:00

CAT Scan = Computed Axial Tomography. A medical procedure used to hunt for tumors, brain damage, etc. by mapping out brain activity. Produces a colorful image employing the colors yellow, red, blue, green, and purple. Though C-A-T is an abbreviation, CAT scans are not to be confused with EEG's, EKG's, or EEV even though EEG's and EKG's are both found in hospitals as well and EEV, Enrique Esteban Valendez, is a man who uses his brain quite a bit. Also not to be confused with a cat, any of the family of quadrapedal mammals with whiskers, nocturnal and territorial prowling happens, a tendency to hunt and consume vermin, and which make a characteristic 'meowing' sound. Confusing CAT scans with cats can lead to mistaken assumptions that CAT scans measure, record, or devoir vermin, when it is unlikely that one would find vermin within a hospital environment. Though one might suggest that the low vermin population in hospitals might be due to the consumption of vermin by CAT scans, the high cleanliness standards of most hospitals suggests that sufficient quantities vermin to sustain something as large of a CAT scan would not be present. While dogs often consume cats, dogs do not consume CAT scans, and therefore Mexican Chihuahuas do not consume cats or CAT scans. It does need to be noted that a CAT scan could measure the brain activity of a Mexican Chihuahua and that it is possible for CAT scan machines to be present in Chihuahua, Mexico. Although no serious attempts have been made to do so, CAT scans may be able to measure the brain activity of the embryo within a fertilized egg if proper procedures were followed. However, Jalapenos cannot be measured within by a CAT scan because Jalapenos do not have brains although cats may or may not eat the occasional jalapeno.

Concering: Jalapeno Peppers

2005-07-10T13:27:00.000-07:00

Jalapeno Peppers: Red or green elongated peppers with a waxy outer coat and spicy innards. A common ingredient in foods made in Chihuahua, Mexico, but rarely eaten by Mexican Chihuahuas or Enrique Esteban Valendez because their digestive systems are very sensitive to hot foods and jalapeno consumption can lead to messy and odiferous results. Though it is related to Ping pong in that both ping pong and jalapenos can make one sweat given sufficient properties, jalapenos are in no way incorporated into computer simulations of ping pong (unless of course the code of the computer simulation of ping pong has been specifically written to incorporate jalapenos, perhaps as part of some sort of theme).

Concerning: Vermin

2005-07-07T07:37:00.000-07:00

Vermin = any of a number of small quadropedal mammals with elongated snouts, whiskers, and who often dwell in sewers, trash cans, basements, cargo ships, and other cool dry places with a high likelyhood of food being left unattended. Generally considered to spread filth and disease. Not to be confused with a mouse or mice. A mouse is a thing that controls the pointer on a computer screen, and mice are the most intelligent creatures on the planet (according to Douglas Adams). Also not to be confused with a chihuahua. Identifying the chihuahua with a rat is a common misconsception. Though no known association between vermin and the game of ping pong or its computer simulation exists, vermin are have in the past displayed a significant likeing for eggs, stealing eggs from other animals while living in the wild. Please note again, that though the computer simulation of ping pong may employ a mouse in its execution, a mouse is not the same thing as vermin. Enrique Esteban Valendez remembers seeing vermin in the streets in Chihuahua, Mexico as a child, occasionally in his house, and used to have nightmares about waking up with a big verminous rat on his chest staring in his face with breath like cheese. A man named Gus in Houston exterminates vermin for a living. He is good at his job and quite happy despite the fact that he is divorced.

Concerning: Enrique Esteban Valendez

2005-07-06T14:43:00.000-07:00

Enrique Esteban Valendez = EEV. Not to be confused with EEG. An EEG is a thing that measures heart beats or brain waves or something. Though Enrique Esteban Valendez possesses both a heart and a brain, he does not measure them all though his vitals can be measured by an EEG. What an EEV or Enrique Esteban Valendez is is a lounge singer who lives in El Paso but was born on the streets of a desert village within the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Known for his low voice, his greasy moustache, and a tendency to eat eggs on stage after juggling them, throwing them, or spinning them on the ends of oblong objects, EEV sings in a club called El Corazon Del Diablo and has written three songs about cactuses and their families though he himself is as little like a cactus as an EEG or an EKG.

Concerning: Eggs

2005-07-06T14:22:00.000-07:00

Eggs = a white, ovoid object that in many ways resembles "the ball" used in the game of ping pong, although were an egg to be used to play the game ping-pong, the results would be messy and colorful. Furthermore, since the computer simulation of ping pong rarely if ever represented "the ball" in the shape of an egg, it is unlikely that there is more than a coincidental connection between an egg and the game of ping-pong. Beyond the realm of ping-pong, eggs have many uses ranging from throwing, to juggling, to balancing on the tip of long, narrow objects while spinning them, all of which leads to the act of subjecting the egg to high temperatures until its molecular consistancy achieves a state called "cooked," and a cooked egg is then ultimately subjected to the acts of consumption, digestion, and excretion. Most importantly, although Mexican chihuahuas do not lay eggs, eggs have been laid in Chihuahua, Mexico, suggesting that chihuahuas can be thrown, juggled, spun on the end of oblong objects, to be ultimately "cooked" and consumed.

Concerning: Ping Pong

2005-07-06T14:17:00.000-07:00

Ping Pong = a game played on a green table with "a net" across the center using a small white projectile often called "a ball." Play consists of hitting "the ball" back and forth across the green table over "the net" with hand-held wooden devices called "paddles." In a computerized simulation of the game ping pong, the "paddles" are represented by moving lines on opposing ends of the screen, while "the ball" is represented by a little green dot, often times in the shape of a square. Curiously, "the net" is not represented in the computerized rendition of "ping pong," and a square ball would not serve the proper function of game play in reality, making the simulation a poor and hollow mockery of the game ping pong although it sparked the creation of an enormous genre of entertainment called "video games."

Concerning: Chihuahua

2005-07-06T14:07:00.000-07:00

Chihuahua = a small region in Mexico and a small species of dog. Both Chihuahua, Mexico and the Mexican Chihuahua are generally dry to the touch unless they have been recently splashed with water although it must be noted that both tend to have wet noses.